30th November 2013,
Another month for Christmas, another month for 2015, another month for closing of 2014.
I've not learned or grow. The only things I've acquired is new hobby in baking. However my temperament and spiritual temperature remains the same, or even dipped cooler. I did not make any conscious effort to change.
I've changed - a grumpy wife, serious colleagues, task-oriented mother. Deep sigh. I injured others by hurting myself. People who loves me so much were sad to see how I've changed. Why? What cause such bitterness in my heart? How do I clean it up and start over? Is it the spiritual attacks or unforgiveness spirit causing my heart to hardened?
I couldn't express my emotion. I can only cry and bite myself so that I don't have to feel anymore. Am I allowing the devil to take hold of my life? Why can't I express my gratitude - a good family, a secure work, having all that I wish for?
Mom cried the other day when see me hurting myself. She said I must love myself else how to love the kids?
She touched my heart with her simple gesture of love. My sacrificial mom. How can I be like her?
Celina has her own interesting life. She keep asking me to appreciate & treasure each moment as the day will pass by and we will not reverse back the moments.
Sigh. I feel like a Martha who is concerned over many petty things and ignore what is important. I know which is right, what right should be done but I couldn't do it. Something is pulling me down each time I want to get up. I feel defeated. I need help!
I am stepping into dangerous ground. Something in me must be changed to let loose the chain. Am I under spiritual attack? No, I need to make a conscious effort to get back to Him. No one can help except Him.
2015 coming. Don't let it linger on. Change!
